They say the first year of marriage is the hardest year and I would have to agree. Like most, we prepared for our life, after the wedding, in premarital counseling, reading books, and receiving wisdom and tips from other married couples.  We felt like we had a solid understanding of what to expect and how to navigate through the first several months.  But the challenge is around the adjustments you go through as a newlywed couple.  It was a major transitional year, and no one can really tell you how you’re going to go through it but it’s inevitable and the ones who survive it, can relate and share their stories as well.

Kareem and I dated for 4.5 years before we got married.  You think you know just about everything in your partner while dating for a number of years, but marriage is a whole different ball game.  After we said our “I dos,” we took off on our honeymoon and it was as magical as I imagined. But, then we landed back in Georgia and life after the wedding started to kick in. The honeymoon phase was great but not always smooth sailing.  

Kareem and I moved in with one another after I lived on my own for about 8 years. We started merging bank accounts and any other accounts we had.  Money matters were a hot topic. We started seeing each other’s habits that we never knew really existed like cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. We were trying to figure out our roles and responsibilities as husband and wife. We discussed how to navigate the holidays as we both wanted to be with our families. We had to make decisions together and it was hard when you’re used to doing what you want as a single person. 

The list goes on, but we made it and it was a necessary transition that grew us closer together as a couple.  Understanding the why of your marriage is the one thing that you hold on to during your “not so fun” moments.  It’s not all roses and sunshine but either you work through things together or you fold and drift apart.  My hope is the former. 

I want to share a few things we learned in our first year and prayerfully they will help you as well: Allow each other time to adjust by not trying to change your spouse but by you adapting yourself to the marriage. 

Kareem is not my dad and I am not his mom nor anyone else we admire in our lives. We are unique individuals with different backgrounds with different upbringings, beliefs and traditions.  Patience is key and being open to the many changes that will occur individually and collectively.  We had to build a foundation and create an identity of what we want our marriage to be. 

  • There will be conflict but fight fair and avoid blaming each other. 

To be honest, this is easier said than done. We were both individuals who shut down in an argument and then go to bed angry and hold on to it the next day.  We learned that one may needed a longer “cool off” period and to revisit the topic at hand later on that day versus trying to resolve it right away.  Our processing times are different. Learning to respect that space was hard to do.  We also had to commit to not bringing up the past when we forgave one another.  It was a huge learning curve for us to learn ways to disagree in a healthy way. It’s something we are still working on, but it’s gotten better from the first year.

  • Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your spouse. 

I’ve learned a lot from Kareem in this area.  He’s a very expressive man and his love language is words of affirmation, so he allows himself to communicate his feelings in a way that exposes his inner being.  Sharing your feelings and confronting issues or insecurities with your spouse is huge. We can’t read each other’s mind and we may not know how our actions affect our spouse.  Discussing and being honest with one another has only strengthened us and I am thankful that our walls have come down.

  • Know each other’s expectation and be on the same page. 

We had to discuss what we wanted our life to be as a family.  We discussed our vision for our finances, careers, when to have kids, family traditions, role as a husband and role as a wife, faith and church involvement, priorities (who and what comes first), how to meet each other’s needs, how to communicate. We try our best to keep each other accountable whenever we drift off course but it’s important to have a shared vision. 

  • Keep dating and have fun!

This was one tip that was stated time and time again from our trusted married couples.  Through it all, I must say, Kareem and I enjoy each other’s company so much.  We are best friends and we choose each other first. We laugh and we joke quite a bit.

One thing Kareem and I keep at the forefront of our marriage is that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.  We remind ourselves to take the pressure off of trying to be perfect and ride the wave with one another. 

Peace and Blessings!